Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
