if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We need a shit load of segways right now
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
