I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
