Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
