I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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