I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
