Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
