Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
