I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
