wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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