You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
