how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
In other news, I just burned my penis
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
