I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Randomize
