I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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