i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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