seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
