Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
