Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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