I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
