so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
