Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
