My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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