I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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