I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
