we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
The air was thick with penises
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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