rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
