I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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