apparently the secret to your success is patron
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
