I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
