I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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