It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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