I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
