i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shame is for Republicans.
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