You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
