i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
