My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
