Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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