I'm going to jail i love you
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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