so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
