His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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