My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
