Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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