Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
