Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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