Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
