I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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