Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
