what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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