There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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