Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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