theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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