The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
